"The Russian Circus, I think it's still in here!"

I always have a hard time figuring out what's more important; How far I've come or how I got here. Either way, I hope this isn't TOO sporadic for anyone who takes the time to read it. Some things may seem extremely insignificant, but every part of the story matters.

When I was little, Anastasia was my go-to movie. I still remember laughing and giggling with my mom every time Anya looked into the bottom of her new dress for the Russian Circus. I thought it was the funniest thing. It's a dress, not a tent! Obviously I know now she was just making fun of the dress Dimitri picked out. Other times, we never let it get to that scene. We replayed "Once Upon A December" over and over again and sang along as I twirled around in my dresses and pretended I was the lost princess. The only thing I cared about back then was when mommy was coming home from work and when our next tickle fight would commence.

These days, I worry about adult things like if my car insurance is getting paid on time or weather or not I'm buying too much food with my credit card. I worry about where I'm going to live with my husband in the spring or if I will be able to find a job near him soon. Mostly, though, I feel utterly invisible. I feel like it isn't worth speaking because nobody will care. I feel like I annoy people and I wonder when someone is going to be genuinely proud of me for how far I've come and all of the things I've overcome. I don't hear those things anymore. I had a person (other than my husband) that made me feel proud of myself and told me how special I was. Sadly she was called home to accompany the heavenly choir and my mother is half of a country away. I'm on my own now and I have to be proud of myself. Most days the most I can say is that I'm trying. Other days I can change the world with my optimism, that is if it lasted long enough.

No matter what I feel on any given day, one thing remains the same from when I was just a little girl. Once Upon a December can always stop me in my tracks, and I will always find it funny when Dimitri asks Anya, "What are you looking for?" and she answers, "The Russian Circus. I think it's still in here!"