"The Russian Circus, I think it's still in here!"

I always have a hard time figuring out what's more important; How far I've come or how I got here. Either way, I hope this isn't TOO sporadic for anyone who takes the time to read it. Some things may seem extremely insignificant, but every part of the story matters.

When I was little, Anastasia was my go-to movie. I still remember laughing and giggling with my mom every time Anya looked into the bottom of her new dress for the Russian Circus. I thought it was the funniest thing. It's a dress, not a tent! Obviously I know now she was just making fun of the dress Dimitri picked out. Other times, we never let it get to that scene. We replayed "Once Upon A December" over and over again and sang along as I twirled around in my dresses and pretended I was the lost princess. The only thing I cared about back then was when mommy was coming home from work and when our next tickle fight would commence.

These days, I worry about adult things like if my car insurance is getting paid on time or weather or not I'm buying too much food with my credit card. I worry about where I'm going to live with my husband in the spring or if I will be able to find a job near him soon. Mostly, though, I feel utterly invisible. I feel like it isn't worth speaking because nobody will care. I feel like I annoy people and I wonder when someone is going to be genuinely proud of me for how far I've come and all of the things I've overcome. I don't hear those things anymore. I had a person (other than my husband) that made me feel proud of myself and told me how special I was. Sadly she was called home to accompany the heavenly choir and my mother is half of a country away. I'm on my own now and I have to be proud of myself. Most days the most I can say is that I'm trying. Other days I can change the world with my optimism, that is if it lasted long enough.

No matter what I feel on any given day, one thing remains the same from when I was just a little girl. Once Upon a December can always stop me in my tracks, and I will always find it funny when Dimitri asks Anya, "What are you looking for?" and she answers, "The Russian Circus. I think it's still in here!"

Once Upon A Time...

It's been a rough road. Things have happened that never should have, things were lost that should have been maintained, hearts have been cracked like the little teacup. Anyone who really knows me and is close to me knows how hard my journey has been. Some of it was my fault, as with anyone, but some of it was completely out of my control. Either way, it's all in the past. The hardest part of the whole story is accepting that I can't change any of it.

I used to think that I was completely broken, but like that little teacup, I still have worth. I still have a purpose. I am not defined by my past, the things I've done, or the things that have happened to me. Other people may still pretend some of it never happened, but I will never forget. The only difference now is that I'm not going to let it hurt me anymore; I'm going to learn from it.

I know that some people might become angry at what I have to say, no matter how hard I try to avoid those things. There are some things that just cannot be hidden. I know some people will get hurt by my words, despite my trying to avoid it. That doesn't matter though. This is MY story, and I am finally ready to tell it.